Hand me a loaded Velvet Revolver, so I can shoot myself

I can see it now. Duff MacKagan and Slash talking about the good old days when they could snort rails of coke off a groupy's ass, before Axl got all crazy and ruined it all for them. Then Duff brings up the fact Slash is late with the rent check again this month, so he better just give him the royalties check from the Greatest Hits record, or the landord might evict them. Just then their pizza arrives, and they are shocked to see the man delivering their piping hot pie from "Appetite for Destruction Pizza" is former G and R drummer Matt Sorum. They invite him in, have a few shots and amidst the Axl bad-mouthing, they talk about how bands don't need a singer, and they can get by on name alone. We need a has-been singer with huge drawing power and media controversy. We can get anybody to sing for us... we are Guns and Roses! Great, that and a metro pass will get you a months worth of rides on the Ack f*&k; off subway.

"Chris Cornell, shit, Audioslave. Who else was a former icon that has fallen the f*&k; off? What about Weiland? Is he in jail right now? No, sweet, call him."

Within moments the world is forced to endure the hype of another "superband" of has-beens. Are these reunions necessary? Seriously, Rage fans and Soundgarden fans both had to suffer through the Audioslave hybrid. Didn't we learn then? This band isn't going to be Guns and Roses 2. It is going to be a bunch of musicians trying to rewrite another classic metal banger, hoping Scott Weiland doesn't ruin it by trying to rewrite the hits that made him so popular back in the day. Or that he doesn't fall off the wagon before their first tour so Duff can feel good as he reaches down to pick up a bra from a screaming fan, only to look up and see the fan is now 40, and it would be better for all parties if she kept that thing on.

Each press conference sounds the same. Cliches and catch phrases are being dropped like these guys had just won gave 7 in the NBA finals. "we just want to give one hundred percent, play good old rock n' roll and have some fun." That is the rock equivalent of saying, I just let the game come to me, glad my teammates recognized I was hot and I just played within myself. With so much creative new music being released these days, why are we focusing on has beens that will never be able to live up to the standards we will automatically judge them by?

Even their album title has been used before; Contraband. Fitting as these men are looking for work


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