Monday, May 16, 2005


Ok. I admit it is hard to think of anything that shocks me when it comes to athletes making bad decisions. Drugs, holdouts, and rape are glossed over like most of the content on HeroHill. However, this morning, I stumbled across a story that blew my mind.

Minnesota Viking's RB, Onterrio Smith, was detained in customs for "a suspicious tube of toothpaste". Unfortunately for Smith, the worst was yet to come. During the search, custom officials found tubes of dried urine, pills labeled as "cleansing formula", an imitation bladder, a jock strap, and a FAKE PENIS. Let me repeat that... A FAKE PENIS. The product, known as the "Original Whizzinator" is a fake penis athletes can use to make it look like they pulled out their own manhood and peed the cup during drug tests.

So, you strap on a fake penis, attach a fake bladder and pretend to piss in a cup to pass a drug test. Seriously, this is gold. I thought the only fake wangs I'd hear about were those fake Vera Wang outfits they hawk in Chinatown. I'm not 100% sure of the policy, but don't you have to strip down to your skivies for those tests? Wouldn't they notice a fake bladder, or perhaps the fact my man was pulling a Total Recall and doubling up on his unit quota (you know, the girl with the three breasts)?

I am not sure how to even address the problems in sports. Athletes are throwing away millions to smoke a joint, or ride a new motorbike. I know everyone smokes the cheech, and very few other high profile personas are tested for drugs, but I can't help but think that for the 8 seasons you are in the NFL or what have you, you could pass the dutch until the season is over. It isn't rocket science to determine how long it takes THC to leave your body. If you need to smoke it, just blaze your brains out and mark a big X on your calender on the last day you can smoke before you have to go back to your career.

Posted at 10:05 AM by ack :: 0 comments

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