A Message From Tom Cruise

Hey everyone, Tommy Cruise here. Let me give you the 411 on what's been going on with me in case you aren't aware that the media has been covering my every waking moment for the last few weeks. Plus I really dig herohill, these guys are not jerks, they would never squirt water in my face from a fake microphone. Seriously, I entertain the masses and make people feel good, why would anyone do that! I guess some people just like to think less of others. Well newsflash fake reporter guy, I'm Top Gun. And even though I'm like 5'6 and there is literally less of me, you should never, ever be thinking less of me. Two words: Jerry Maguire. The phrase is "show me the money", not "show me the fake, water-squirting microphone". But anyway, on to my exclusive herohill update.

You know what's great? Love! Not sure if you've heard, but I am currently in love with former Dawson's Creek star and current super-hot actress Katie Holmes. In fact, we're engaged! Can you believe it? It's so cool that it makes me want to jump on the furniture and generally freak out. But check this out, WE GOT ENGAGED ON TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER! What's more heterosexual than that? I've been hearing rumors that people think the Cruise is gay, think again. Maybe you've seen Katie Holmes before, but if you haven't, let me tell you this: she's 26 and a real hottie! Considering I'm 42, have had two failed marriages, and the only actors I'm taller than are the guy from The Station Agent and the black midget from Bad Santa, I'd have to be super non-gay to get with Katie Holmes. In fact, me staying away from the ladies is truly a Mission Impossible (Mission Impossible III actually - In theatres 2006).

I'll tell you this friends, being in love is great. I feel like telling the world! In fact, I have been telling the world. I know most celebs value their "privacy" when it comes to relationships, but not Tom Cruise. I've been getting in front of every camera I can find these days and telling people I love Katie Holmes. SERIOUSLY, I LOVE KATIE HOLMES, YOU NEED TO BELIEVE ME. I wanted everyone to know about our love, in fact I even told Dave Letterman that I was planning on marrying her before I popped the question in Paris. I have no secrets people, I want you to know everything about Tom Cruise. Well everything except the actual details of my involvement with the cult-like "religion" Scientology. Anything other than that is fair game! Have I mentioned I'm in love with a 26 year old actress! It's been so great to tell everyone "Hey, we're in love, and we're also in two great movies right now, Batman Begins and War Of The Worlds, go see them".

You know what's not great? Squirting me in the face with water when I'm at a premiere for a great new movie (War Of The Worlds, in theatres Friday, go see it). Why would they do that? Why would they do that? Perhaps if we'd gone back in time and were at the premiere of my classic film Rain Man, I could almost get the joke. But I am a good person. I was being nice enough to give an interview about my new movie and my cool girlfriend Katie Holmes, and this jerk squirts me with a fake microphone. Perhaps he's not aware that I've personally helped people get off drugs. That's not the kind of person you should be squirting with water.

So to recap: I am in love with Katie Holmes and want everyone and their dog to know. We are also now engaged. My engagement to a 26 year old hot actress proves I am not gay and that I'm hotter in Hollywood than ever. Go see Batman Begins and War Of The Worlds.


Tom Cruise

* Above post not actually written by Tom Cruise

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