Juicy gossip.. a year late

Perhaps it is the fact I’m a struggling author, and even if I suffered from the same condition as Kevin Keeler (one nut style), I’d give my testicle to get my book published and distributed for people to read my work. Or perhaps it is the fact I am so sick of b-list celebs getting famous without any of their own merit that I get more and more angry every day.

I am fed up with all these b-celebs filling the pages of the morning paper with idiot comments and actions. I mean, Tara Reid gets a reality show and the execs pull the plug when they realize she is nothing more than a drunk moron. Shocker. Fez is now dating Jaime Pressly. Fez! He’s like the Scott Baio of the new generation. He’s the walking punchline on the 70’s show. He’s the poor man’s Hyde, which isn’t all that rich. Yet he gets to date Mandy Moore and make out with Lindsay Lohan in the back seat of the Lovebug. More importantly, he gets the chance to do whatever he wants creatively.

These people are bad, but their is a group of people that are worse. The people who are famous because they write a tell-all book about someone famous. Upon reading that Jose Canseco’s ex-wife had a tell-all book about Jose Canseco published I was pushed over the edge. Cleverly named Juicy, Ms. Canseco opens up the fault to reveal the truth about Jose’s life. This is just what the world needs a year after Jose’s tell all book ABOUT HIMSELF. Jose’s book focuses on his rampant steroid use, and the fact his steroids are responsible for everything that has happened in the last 50 years. The second shooter on the grassy knoll? Jose’s ‘roids. The symbol that Prince changed his name to? Jose’s ‘roids. Who shot JR? Jose’s roids. The swelling of old man’s bottoms? Jose’s ‘roids (ok, those might have been a different type of ‘roids). Jose admitted that anyone he knew injected him, or let him inject them. Luckily, Juicy clears this up, as Ms. Canseco admits she injected Jose! Not his wife! Not the person he sees almost everyday of the offseason when he is prime juicing season!

But she doesn’t stop there. Jose was an abusive husband! Thank god that was outlined in detail for us. A professional athlete, filled to the gills with steroids was violent and angry! The man who said he was responsible for keeping Cal Ripken’s streak alive by beating up Kevin Costner for eyeing up Cal’s wife, flew off the handle and hit his wife? No! I don’t condone spousal abuse, but I think if you asked anyone what steroid laced ball player was most likely to go Prodigy and ‘smack his bitch up’, 75% of people would say Rafeal Palmeiro. The other 25% would lean towards Jose.

She continues to blow minds by saying Jose wasn’t a sensitive lover. He didn’t care that she didn’t have an orgasm for the first two years of their marriage, and that his favorite position involved any position where he could see himself in a mirror. A high profile athlete was caught up in his own hype? He loved his own brand? The man was so conceited that he thought because he was huge and on ‘roids, he could be a major league pitcher. A fly ball bounced off his head and went over the fence for a homerun, and he loved it. Thought it was the greatest thing. Are we surprised he might have only been in love with himself?

One fact she brings up that I didn’t know is that major league players are not faithful. Apparently, players invite their wives to the game, but at the same time, groupies are still present looking for a taste of some Big League chew-ing. Society was under the premise that all players are as abstinent as A.C. Green.

So, in conclusion, for the ten people that would probably think about buying this book, please don’t. Buy Jim Bouton’s “Ball Four”, or buy Jonathon Lethem’s “Fortress of Solitude”. Jebus, buy “Clifford the Big Red Dog”, just don’t buy this.


@ 5:14 PM, rooney kicked the following game:

scott baio. genius!

and i confirmed it, more sales of juicy than cupid at amazon.

 

@ 11:32 PM, ack kicked the following game:

thanks for checking the stats... here is another stat. 74% of me thinks you are a bag of douche!

i have to admit it though, it made me bitter, so in the end, you win!

 

@ 2:21 PM, guero canadiense kicked the following game:

That's it man... the trick is to write several hundred pages of the bleedin' obvious - within eighteen months of someone else doing the same thing.

Fuggit. I'm going back to my copy of Siddartha.

 

@ 8:52 PM, rooney kicked the following game:

if it's any consolation, it's barely sold more copies.

 

@ 12:28 AM, buy steroid kicked the following game:

buy steroid buy steroid

 

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