The facts are in... Nickleback may or may not suck


Loyal readers may notice we tend to talk about the same things a lot of the times. For example: The overall suck factor of Dave Feschuk. Another common theme is the overall disappointment with all things Nickleback. Well two nights ago, I was flipping channels only to come across the Nickleback spotlight on Muchmusic. Normally, listening to 20 minutes straight of Chad Kroeger's voice would rank close behind listening to my parents having sex as things I never want to hear in my life, but before I could change the channel, I realized that every interview clip focused on the band defending the fact that they "do not suck".

The first question the reporter asked Chad was, "what do you say to all the people that say you suck?" How awesome is that? A special on your music, basically a greatest hits feature, and the opening question is basically telling the band that most people think they suck. Even better was his reply - "Nickleback does not suck. We may not be your style of music, but we don’t suck."

In interview terms, this is one step above the classic – no comment – reply. It's like taking your ball and going home. You suck. Well, maybe we do, maybe we don't. Who's to say? He's quick to point out that 8.5 million fans can't be wrong. I'm quick to point out that 8.5 million people have also purchased albums from artists like Mrs. Federline, Lindsay Lohan, and Good Charlotte and the majority of these 8.5 million people usually need their mom to drive them to the mall. Not exactly the crowd you want to draw when you are a "hard rocking band." People ordering a 2 item combo from Manchu_wok love our shit. Get’s ‘em riled up! Let me reiterate - album sales doesn't equate to talent. Jesus, K-Fed's album will probably go gold and even his "wife" laughed in his face when she heard it. People who duplicate the same style over and over are not creative. How many books does Tom Clancy sell nowadays? Let me guess - a CIA agent will stumble upon a terrorist plot to destroy the US, spark a relationship with a woman and still save the day? Finding a pattern that sells and replicating it is a path for financial success, but it doesn't make you talented. If that was the case, the guy who decided that young porn stars would never have enough money to pay for their pizza would be the most talented hombre on the ranch.

The next segment of the spotlight basically focused on people like Billy Joe from Greenday talking about how Kroeger’s voice sucks. The general consensus is that his vocal style and sound closely matches Cher's. To this, Chad points out you can't please all of the people, all of the time. This again is true. Obviously you can't disagree with him, because he isn't saying anything. How can Mr. T pity so many fools? What is bark made of? Does Kroeger’s voice suck? Some questions just can't be answered, so why bother asking the question?

Being unfamiliar with a lot of Nickleback’s more recent hits, I didn't know they had a song featuring the lyrics - Kickin' yer ass would be a pleasure. How awesome is that? I heard Chad openly discuss how if he saw Matthew Goode, and Matt didn't put an eye on his lip and watch his mouth, Chad would leave his face marked up. Apparently Chad is a brawler trapped in a rail thin body. For a man whose body mass is 90% made up of mullet and huge teeth, I'm surprised he talks so tough. Unless he planned on choking me with his mullet, I wouldn't be too worried about him getting in my crawlspace. Chad, we'd like to offer you one quick word of advice. The skin tight, youth medium black shirts don't show off the guns and make you look huge. You still look like you could body double for Kate Moss.

The final nail in my Nickleback suck coffin is this: Kroeger put out the band Default. Let me repeat, Nickleback spawned Default. Basically one man is responsible for all of the music that will be playing if I end up in hell. So for all your achievements herohill shall paraphrase the Beastie Boys: "for those about to rock (in a mass produced, repetitive style), we salute you." You Nickleback! The band that may or may not suck, despite or as a result of one voice! The band that sells a ton of records, and pollutes our airwaves! Kicken' yer ass would be a pleasure.


@ 3:28 PM, Anonymous kicked the following game:

you should listen to their new cd- it's pretty good

 

@ 10:21 AM, nahaa kicked the following game:

NICKLEBACK , IS TRUELY A GOOD BAND!! I'M AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE , AND LISTENED TO TUNES FOR LOTSA YEARS , FAR AS I CAN TELL....THEY DON'T SUCK , THEY " ROCK "

 

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