The worst hockey fans in the world... if the world is the local pub

After reading Bill Simmon’s well written piece about the worst fans you find at the ballpark, I decided to create one of my own. This piece focuses on the worst hockey fans you find in a bar. I think these clowns are worse, because say what you will about guys who go bonkers at the stadium; they paid the money and earned the right. I’m not really one to sit and watch hockey, but it seems every pub in Vancouver lives and breathes Canuck maroon, and royalish ugly blue. So I have the pleasure of being surrounded by these guys two nights a week. People who stroll down to the local sports bar at act a fool are taking the douchebaggery to another level.

So without further ado:

1. The guy who has a customized jersey with his name on the back (probably a throwback)
Ok. We get it. You are a super fan. You are above and beyond the common fan because you shelled out the extra duckets to get your name on the back. The truth is, this is worse than having a jersey with a player who is no longer on the team, and what really gets in my craw is that all of these guys seem dead set on proving to everyone they are the biggest fan in the bar. “Can’t you see my customized jersey???? I know more about the Canucks than you ever will.” I’m pretty sure if push came to shove and someone showed up with a team jersey tattooed on his entire torso, custom-man would grab the closet knife and start carving.

2. Banging on the table guy/Loud Clap Guy
A two-fer. Seriously. I can see these actions being ok if you live in Germany, and the National team is playing in the World Cup final, but Tuesday night against the Nashville Predators? Do you really need to bang on the table every time there is a momentum change? We are all watching the same game. We just saw the shot on goal/fight/huge hit. Here’s the other kicker – you aren’t actually at the game, so the noise won’t help the team play better. The loud clap guy is less annoying, but much more pretentious. He won’t join the masses and pound on the tables, but his loud clap will show he knows the intricacies of the game. Good puck motion. Killing off a 5-on-3. Loud clap time. The loud clap basically says, “I’m a true fan who loves the game because I understand it.” This is often confused with, “I’m a huge idiot, and my friends hate watching the game with me.”

3. I played hockey when I was younger, and even I know you have to… guy
This is pretty constant in every sport, but being Canadian, hockey is the one sport almost every played growing up. Guaranteed during any game someone will say something like, “I never played professional hockey, but even I knew how to screen the goalie on a power play.” This accomplishes two things. The first – it lets people know you played some sort of hockey and you fancy yourself to have been good. The second – it lets people know you are an ass. When you played your three years of house league hockey, you could stand in front of the net because no one could skate, and you weren’t allowed to hit. In the NHL, playing against 250 pound steroid mongers who constantly cross check you in the back is a bit different than playing with kids who forget to take the guards off their skates.

4. I’m hip, so I watch the game at the local bar guy
These guys need to talk a long walk on a short fawk off pier. You know them. The walk in after work, still in suits, order a couple of Heinekens and proceed to talk about business, check their blackberries and stand up in front of the screen at the worst times. They don’t care about the game, and often leave early, but can always say, “Yeah, I watched the game at Stoney’s with Brock. Go team go.”

5. I don’t like hockey, but my friends are all watching the game so I tagged along guy.
This guy rolls to all the games with his hockey fan friends, but he makes it quite obvious he isn’t there for the game. Giveways – hip band t-shirt. Obvious look away from the screen style, or sitting with his back completely to the screen. Another trait that shows this cat is too cool for school is not clapping when the home teams scores. The whole bar screams, yells and acts a fool, but this guy pulls a Rick James and busts loose from all the squares. “I’m here to get out, but I don’t care if the Canucks win.”

6. Explain the rules to me again guy
I have a soft spot for these guys. They obviously want to understand the game, and become a serious fan, but I can only handle the “so, explain offside to me one more time.” You bought the jersey and the hat. You watch the games, and check the paper for the scores, you just can’t figure out the game. It’s like going to a concert with someone who’s just getting into the band. “Wow, this song is great. What’s it called? What album is this on? I might have to pick this up.” Listen, I appreciate you coming out, but if I’m here to watch a game, or a band, I don’t want to shoot the shit all night. Ask during an intermission.

7. Customized jersey with a player from the 50's guy
In attempt to be cool, these people get jerseys with people like Jacques Plante, or Maurice Richard on the back. They think it shows they are the real deal when it comes to being a fan. What it really shows is they are idiots. Want to know why? Players back in the day didn’t have names on the back of their shirts. It’s the equivalent of dressing like George Mikan and wearing a pair of Nike Shox. If you are going to make the effort to play the old skool, make sure you do it right.

8. Buzzword guy
“You know, I think Sydney Crosbie has all the tools to be the next Wayne Gretzky.” “The new rules are really helping the smaller more skilled players.” “I hate when teams play the trap.” Anything else you picked up listening to Bob MacKenzie? Remember that episode of Friends when Joey bought the encyclopedia set, and all he got was volume V? Do you guys want to talk about volcanoes? How about Mt. Vesuvius? No one cares if you don’t follow hockey. It ranks up there with talking about hipster music. Either you are into or you aren’t.

9. Leafs fans
Obvious. You haven’t won in forever yet you walk around like you are the NY Yankees. Make it past the second round before you talk smack.

10. Stand up for a fight guy
It’s not a high school fight. These are trained fighters who can take a punch and deliver one, but more accurately, know how to protect themselves. 90% of hockey fights have more grabs and clutches than a breast on prom night. Very rarely is someone going to get overmatched and just worked, so do us all a favor and sit down. If you must stand up, rent Don Cherry’s Rock ‘em Sock ‘em 1-45 and stay inside all winter.

@ 7:43 PM, Defenseman kicked the following game:

your mom


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