CHRIS MARTIN - RIP

It's no secret that herohill thinks Chris Paltrow from Coldplay needs to OD on a bottle of fack off pills. He freaks out on the paparazzi despite the fact he weighs about 145 (if he is carrying Gwen's fame around with him). He named his kid Apple and so much other tom foolery, he is deserving a punch from us in the coin purse.


There are so many reasons this guy needs an actual steel toe scientifically positioned several centimeters north of his taint:
  1. I read the other day that they were naming their second kid, Capone. We get it guys. You are famous. You like to have cool named kids, and treat them like accessories. You even pull the whole, leave my kids alone routine. We would if you named them properly. Capone Martin. Seriously. I'm not much of a brawler, but even I'd try to kick the shag out of this future Strokes-esque rich kid.

  2. Your new shag haircut. What's with that? The balding shag hairdo reassures me that Life is Beautiful. He looks exactly like Roberto Benigni. Which brings me back to the whole freaking out against the paparatz thing. Anyone who looks like that dude shouldn't be saying boo to any other man.

  3. The biggest reason. The copy protection on your new CD.

The new Coldplay disc (aside from being 12 or 13 lovely ballads that all sound the same) has more restrictions than a border crossing. If you want to play the disc, you can't be visiting a farm in the next 30 days, be carrying more than 10,000 cash or be in possession of fruits and vegetables. If you buy the new Coldplay disc, it can't be played on the following:

  • Any CD playing device that copies files

  • Any MP3 player

  • Car stereos

  • DVD players

  • Portable CD players

  • Video game systems

  • Cars with GPS

  • Any MAC PC

So bascially this disc won't play in 95% of devices that people use to play music. I'm not sure if Coldplay realizes this, but MACs are pretty popular right now. In fact anything wrapped in white plastic is selling off the shelves. In Apple (the company, not his daughter) put out an iDildo, hipsters would stand in line to buy it, and sit on it all today just to let you know they were down. It's probably not the best idea to phase out MAC users. So basically, unless you are Radio Raheem of our generation and you carry your boom box around with you searching for batteries, you can't listen to their new disc in transit. Not in a car, not in a bar, not on a bus, or without a fuss.

The absolute best part about these new rules? They are included on an insert with the CD, and let you in on the fact that if the CD doesn't play on your machine – pound sand. YOU CAN'T RETURN IT. Thanks for your cash fans, donate to fair trade and enjoy your unplayable CD. In future news, Coldplay's new album sells 3 units and fans Capone isn't invited to any birthday parties. Chris Martin, you are officially dead to us.


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