Fez and Sharon Stone - role models for young America

Ok. I have to admit, I love seeing celebrities hang onto fame like Indian Jones trying to save the Holy Grail from falling in that huge ravine. I mean, hearing Eva Langoria be so desperate (Ba-ZING) that she has to tell gossip rags she's the one doing the teaching in the bedroom with her NBA-French boyfriend Tony Parker, is priceless. Nothing says love like emasculating your man, especially when his job involves people talking trash constantly. But that is nothing like two of the stories that I read this week.

Let me start by saying, I'm pretty sure I don't care if Fez or Sharon Stone lives or dies, but I know they provide me with some great fodder. Let's start with Fez. Yesterday, he was on Stern talking about all of the Hollywood hotties he's slept with. He had something to say about Ashlee Simpson ("really loud"), Jennifer Love-Hewitt ("8/10") and Lindsay Lohan ("one of the best he's ever slept with"). He then said one of them, but was too much of a gentleman to say who, loved 'backdoor' visitors. I'll admit, I've never met Fez, but he strikes me as a huge grease ball and to a grease ball, anal is like the Indy 500 and the Superbowl rolled into one unhygienic, demeaning trophy. So it doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess that he was talking about Lohan.

Why couldn't Fez simply be Hyde. I mean, Hyde is plenty crazy. He loves Scientology, but he doesn't say boo. He made his money being the third or fourth option on the 70's show starting line-up, but I think he knows his role. Fez is evolving into NBA super sub, Robert Horry. Horry has been a part of like 93 championships, but really, other than a few big shots he's never really been the make it or break it guy. Fez was simply the weird foreign kid who said, "candy", "boobs" and "good day" in almost every episode of a show young people loved. That's the TV equivalent of one rung above reality TV show contestant on the 'fame ladder', but for some reason he thinks he is the man and we all need to know it. Newsflash Wilmer: Legit people don't really line up to go on Stern and most people grow out of hitting peeler bars. If Fez was a female, he'd be Pam Anderson or Carm Electra. He show up once every couple months in FHM/STUFF/MAXIM saying something racey, not realizing he is coming off like a huge bag of douche.

I know some of you are thinking, well Fez gets ladies, so who are you to say anything. Good point, Fez does get ladies. So do Maroon 5, Jaret Leto and all Greek shipping heirs. These guys are sort of famous, single and hungry for fame. They are at every party and looking for famous ass. Not to mention they are passing around the same beat up women like 40 oz on a stoop. I mean, strictly by experience, Lohan has got to be good a sex. She's slept with all of Hollywood. If you play golf once or twice a week, pretty soon you are going to be shooting par. But these guys are the dudes at a high school dance who pray on you at the end of the night after you don't get to date the QB or the frat guys that make you go past your comfort level by saying they love you and slipping you a few more shots.

Sharon Stone on the other hand, is so bat-shit crazy that she thinks she is in a position to give advice to young girls on sex. She is the poor woman's Kim Catrell. Sharon Stone – the woman whose name became synonymous with full frontal nudity in the 90s. The same woman who at age 48, is making Basic Instinct 2; a flick one step above Cinemax. Well here is her awesome advice for the young girls of America (excuse all the symbols, I'm not trying to get spam ads):

"I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about s*x.' "Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for s*x? I tell them (what I believe): o*ral s*x is a hundred times safer than v&ginal; or &nal; s*x.
"If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of s*x, offer a bl&ow; job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

She may not be embarrassed by that, but hot damn she should be embarrassed by a lot more. Imagine that sit down over a quick reading of 'Your body and you' with your daughter. Honey, it is ok to wait for marriage before you have sex, as long as you are going to give up the hum. Plus, who are these young people that talk to her about this? When I think of teenagers and Sharon Stone, I'm really not seeing a connection between the two that doesn't involve hoping 'Sliver' comes on late night cable.

So a toast to Fez and Sharon. Hopefully reading your own idiotic words in the paper has reaffirmed your status.

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