Steven Seagal: Blues Mercenary

The fact that movies nowadays are generally crap shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone (Scary Movie 4 anyone?). What should come as a surprise to you is the fact that ponytailed 80's slow-motion ass-kicker Steven Seagal is still making movies. Now I won't front and say I wasn't hyped back in the day when Big Steve was Above the Law, Marked For Death, and/or Hard To Kill, but I was more than a little shocked to see a commercial for Seagal's new Oscar candidate "Mercenary For Justice".

I know you're dying to know more about this excellent movie, but I'll let fill you in:

"Soldier of fortune John Seeger (Steven Seagal) is the best in the business?the business of kicking ass! When you're a mercenary, there's always going to be casualties, but no job is too treacherous for Seeger, who's blackmailed into orchestrating an impossible prison break, leading a team of heavily-armed soldiers on a deadly mission to South Africa to rescue the son of a billionaire arms dealer. But, when Seeger finds out he's been double-crossed, it's payback time, and now, there's going to be hell to pay!"

Hell to pay indeed. Based on the commercial I saw, Steve is fatter and slower than ever before, and his trademark slicked-back ponytail is looking more disheveled than Captain Lou Albano's goatee-ponytail. So I was intrigued by this development and headed over to IMDB to find out what old Steve-O's been up to. Well would you believe that this is the SIXTH strideo movie Seagal has been involved with in the past 2 years? Well I suppose you would believe that, as Seagal was truly an unparalleled killer of dirtbags and psychopathic rastafarian drug dealers back in the day. But I ask you, who could possibly be buying or even renting these films? What demographic is the target of DVD-only Steven Seagal movies in this day and age?

If the fact that Steven Seagal released more movies in the last two years than Robert DeNiro didn't faze you, how about this: Seagal has released two albums in that time as well. Yes, musical albums, not how-to records describing how to block a no-name, movie bad guy flailing punch and smash his head through a glass coffee table. It seems Seagal fancies himself somewhat of a Bluesman and has released his latest album with his band Thunderbox called Mojo Priest. Here is the track listing, and no, I didn't make this up:

1-She Dat Pretty 3.44
2-Red Rooster 3.29
3-Gunfire In A Juke Joint 3.44
4-My Time Is Numbered 4.19
5-Dark Angel 3.57
6-Alligator Ass 4.03
7-Talk to My Ass 3.51
8-Love Doctor 3.40
9-Hoochie Koochie Man 4.25
10-Barbeque 3.25
11-Dust My Broom 4.38
12-Shake 3.28
13-Slow Boat 8.46
14-The Light 4.54

I downloaded some of this in an attempt to construct a humorous review out of it, but it was god awful, so you'll have to get your own copy if you are desperate for more info about the worst "Blues" album I've ever heard. I can tell you that as far as I could tell, Alligator Ass has nothing to do with Alligators or Asses, both of whom are probably thankful for that.

So there you have it, Steven Seagal is seemingly the busiest man in showbusiness. If the four horsemen of the apocalypse were to cruise by my window now, I wouldn't be surprised.

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