Enough of David Blaine already


Ok. I’m not trying to steal Chris Rock’s thunder (because it would sound similar to Michael trying to rip off his bits on the Office), but why do people still care about David Blaine? A trickless magician!

Back in the day, I admit his magic specials were kind of cool. He was freaking the funk out in front of all types of people, and they were blown away. Some of his card tricks blew my puny human mind. At first I was buying into his levitation shit, but I then found out my friend Casey would levitate on cue for a Bellini, so I started being sketched about my main Blaine. Then he started doing things that didn’t actually involve magic (or skill) and like so many before him he was dead to me. I mean, is it magic to stand in one spot for 35 hours or trap yourself in a glass coffin with no food? According to DB – YES!

"There were Jewish Hasids standing next to Muslim cabdrivers who were next to Black kids. Businessmen in designer suits stood beside heavily pierced street kids. Every conceivable social type was represented," recalls Blaine in his book Mysterious Stranger. "I saw something truly incredible. I saw every race, every age-group, and every religion gathered together smiling, and that made everything worth it. I saw magic!"


And the dude from Sixth Sense saw dead people. Who cares? Magic, according to DB is people of different races and ages standing in the same area. Therefore, magic occurs every day on the subway, in almost every office building in major cities and almost anywhere else in the world. His latest deal was to live in a little ball underwater for 7 days and then try to hold his breath for 9 minutes. Is this dude 11 years old?

“I bet you I can hold my breath for like...ah…20 minutes.”
“No way dude.”
“For serious.”
“Bet you your best GI JOE.”
“OK. Go!”

The fact he tried these shenanigans is one thing. The fact he failed is even better. The event had all the suspense and intrigue of Evil Knievel jumping over something, falling short and crashing, just… without any of the suspense or intrigue. Granted, I didn’t watch this goat rodeo, but I would imagine it had the suspense of Geraldo looking for Capone’s vault. If he did break the record, what then? Do people start running around NYC freaking out like the Yankees won the pennant? I doubt it. If you are like me, you probably shrug your shoulders and move on, wondering why you wasted your time watching.


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