What's Eating Gilbert Arenas?

As you all know, during our time in Toronto, Herohill used to be proud Raptor season ticket holders. But now that Ack has puff, puff past the prairies to settle in Vancity and I got in my Schooner and sailed back to the birthplace of herohill, we can no longer see Sam Mitchell simmer with rage in person. But we still love the NBA. Unfortunately the Raps are still my team of choice, although I do approve of ditching the purple in the Unis. Now all we need is to change the name and I'm a super fan. Ack still stubbornly holds on to his Celtics allegiance even though Larry Bird isn't walking back through that door, fans.

Now I was going to write a Herohill NBA preview mainly featuring my new favorite Raptor, The Porn Player, Jorge Garbajosa. That was until I stumbled across this Esquire article on Gilbert Arenas (spotted via The Mighty MJD). Now I'm sure in the past I've said "this is the funniest thing ever" about many things. But this right here is not Buck65, it is indeed the funniest thing ever. Or at the very least the funniest thing I've read this week.

Please read that article, believe me, you won't regret it. We all knew Gilbert was a little odd, but this makes odd look downright normal. Ron Artest is crazy, but that's yesterday's news, Gilbert Arenas is my new favorite crazy NBA player by far. In fact I'm not sure he is crazy, I think he might be some kind of eccentric basketball genius.

The Highlights:

- The first person he mentions when talking about 4th quarter clutch players: Earl Boykins

- Gilbert has been in the NBA for 5 years, during that time he has left his hotel room on the road 6 times

- He would like to own every movie ever made

- Gilbert "trained" himself to sleep on the couch so that after he gives a lady friend the ole Arenas special, she will get the hint to vamoose

- Gilbert regular fights Awvee Storey: "I remember one day, he laid on top of me and was pinching my nose so hard that it bruised. For two days, it was just burgundy."

- On the road he eats nothing but hamburgers "There's this one place in Canada—I even look at the schedule to find out when we play there—best burger I've ever tasted. Real soft and sweet." What is this? Harvey's?

- Upon getting a new phone, Gilbert calls himself and leaves messages until his voice mail is full.

- Gilbert has an idea for a shoe commercial where a little girl get clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair.

Believe me, these are just teasers, you need the full effect to appreciate it. Forget changing the name of the Raptors, just get Gilbert on the team and I'm a super fan.


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