Yikes, this is fairly scary. Some nutter drove to Toronto from New Brunswick with a carload of weapons and ammo to "drive around and kill people at random". I'm assuming he had some kind of vendetta against Torontonians but the article doesn't say what his beef was. It seems the only reason he didn't carry out his plan was that a dog approached him in the park and was friendly to him. That was the sole reason he decided not to massacre a bunch of innocent people: "if there was such a nice dog in the area the people were too nice and he wasn't going to carry out his plan". My man clearly has issues, not sure why he isn't renting a nice padded cell somewhere and eating three squares of happy pills daily.

I thought I was heading back to the land of the sane people by heading home to the Maritimes this weekend. I'll be visiting Fam in the fine New Brunswick cities of Fredericton and Saint John in the next week or two, so if the rest of the NB nutters want to make a trip to Toronto during that time it's fine by me. I've heard you get better treatment abroad if you put a Canadian flag on your bag. Perhaps I'll put a Nova Scotia flag on all my stuff so that any Martime nutbars in Toronto might think twice about clapping me.

It’s a good thing Ralph Wiggum is a cartoon character, not to mention American, and therefore not eligible to vote in Canada. For the sake of our many American readers, I’ll start off my explanation of that wacky opening line by mentioning that we have a Federal Election (The biggest one we have up here!) on Monday June 28th. I’ll be making a pilgrimage back home to the land of Chris Brothers pepperoni (this stuff is like sausage shaped drugs) and Schooner beer this weekend and won’t be in Hogtown to vote. Yes I’m talking about Haltown, aka ‘Fax, aka Halifax, Nova Scotia for those that don’t know.

I went on the Elections Canada website to get some info on advance polls because I’ll be away and mail-in voting because I’m really quite lazy. I checked out the FAQ on the site as I thought that was a logical place to look for useful info. I was correct in one sense, the FAQ did contain info, but most of it wasn’t useful. Here is the first frequently asked question on the page: “Is someone allowed to eat a ballot”? I assume eating your ballot is some kind of wacky protest , but seriously, does that question deserve top billing on the Elections Canada FAQ? Is that the most pressing question on Canadians’ collective minds as we head to the polls? “The Liberals gave 100 million bucks away to their friends, the Conservatives might try and take away abortion rights, but am I able to eat my ballot???”. It seems a little ridiculous to me.

So to clear up any confusion about where Herohill stands on the election, let me state this once and for all: Herohill does not endorse eating your ballot. We support putting an X by your candidate of choice and putting your ballot into the voting box. Happy voting.

The next segment of shit I hate:

90) Pires, his soul patch and his flopping
89) Dudes who leave the top button unbuttoned and wear no undershirt. No one, and I mean no one, wants to see that
88) People who go into places like Subway or McDonalds and are blown away by the menu. "What, I'll have a 9 inch sub, please. Oh ok, two 6 inch then. What is the difference between 2 six inch and a footlong?" Shut the F up and move on Ron
87) People who buy new Tom Clancy and John Grisham books as soon as they come out... I'd rather read the back of my cereal box from now until Nickleback gets elected into the Rock n Roll hall of fame (meaning, my eternity in hell)
86) Idiot music critics that always says "Hip hop died with PE", then give new bands glowing reviews, but still say they hate the album and bitch about how great it was in 87 (but man, it was some good shit in 87)
85) Telemarketers who call me, and ask me to stay on the line...and put my shit on hold. Like they are doing me a favor trying to sell me their crap, so I SHOULD wait for them
84) People who pimp up shitbox cars. If you are going to throw 5 G's into your rusted out Neon, just upgrade and by my dad's old Honda. It still has the H on it so you know it is a Honda
83) The fact ugly bucketheads like Marc Anthony are swimming in women. If he was in your high school, you'd all be calling him creepy and laughing in his grill after he got shoved in a locker
82) Art people who see something that is obvious crap, and try to explain the significance. "You see, he was trying to show the turmoil in the world, that is why he took a dook in a glass box. It is really powerful"
81) Rugby players. "Hey, we play a sport with asshole rules, and get our ears ripped off, that entitles us to wear our rugby shirts to a bar, act loud, wrestle and annoy anyone we meet"

Reading Shane's post on the DOC made me flash back to the late 80's and early 90's (aka. the golden age of hip hop). With all the watered down, radio friendly beats getting passed off as street beats, thinking about the D into the O into the C, got me thinking about other albums I loved.

Obviously, without a doubt, the list was long. I could sit here and talk about albums we all loved, but I am going to drop some science for the people. The band, Rodney O and Joe Cooley. The album, F*&k New York. This album was as hard as three day old shit.

.

It was west coast, it was gangsta, and to quote a wise man, these dogs had chops. This was fronting the East Coast/West Coast beef before everyone grabbed ahold of Tupac's style for the ride. The single, "y'all don't hear me" though starts off by dissing Hammer. You might be thinking, so what, but in '93, people were picking peanuts out of Hammer's shit to put on their sundaes. Attacking pop rappers, jebus, I wish they would write some songs about Nelly and Lil' Jon. People hate on the lyrics saying they were elementary, but back then, what gangsta rap wasn't? Tell me you aren't feeling:

Time for me to kick another fly funky verse
And if I die, put a sound system in my hearse
You don't hear me though, here's a title, bro
I'm callin money when I slam down my domino
Ugh - fever in the funk house
Yeah, and if you play, then you know what I'm talkin about
Who you're foolin when you say that you can fade the O?
I got a New York critic in a choke hold

This album has beats to drive to. "Throw on Humps for the Boulevard" and tell me it doesn't blow up the spot. Seriously, I can't do this album justice. All I can say, is if they still had albums like this coming out, I'd be wearing raider hats and starch jeans, instead of goodwill corduroy and t-shirts.

Now there is a headline, I've been waiting to use that all day. Greece is taking Euro 2004 by storm and it looks like they're going to qualify for the second round. That's not bad for a nation that had not only never advanced at a major tournament, they hadn't won a game up until their tourney-opening win over Portugal on Sunday. Their German coach Otto Rehhagel has got them working hard and playing as a unit. It's resulting in unprecedented success. Their silver fox keeper Antonis Nikopolidis is also keeping them in it with his stellar play.

Herohill has a rich history of supporting all things Greek due to Mario's many contributions, and it's no different in this case. Hopefully they can keep their run going deep into the tourney.

People have commented on the fact herohill.com seems to spread no love to the people. Well, if you want a feel good site, you are in the wrong spot. We didn't start this Web site to make friends, in fact we started it to hopefully lose a few. So for that reason, I am giving you the first installment of things and or people Ack hates (counting down from 100):

100) Nickleback (really they are up near the top,of my list, just had to make sure people could sense the hate)
99) Ray Lewis
98) Assholes who see a firetruck and say, "Where's the fire?"
97) Pop-up windows on porn sites. Are people who log on really looking to buy a new webhost or just get stroke material?
96) People who claim the Matrix or Kill Bill to be the best kung fu movies ever. Shit hoss, they use wires. Don't make herohill come over there and slap your ignorant fake kung-fu ass.
95) Spandex + Guys who think they are buffed. We all know you're big dude. You don't have to put your clothes on with a shoehorn or a paint roller to prove your point.
94) People who show up at sporting events in bars wearing a jersey so fresh and so clean that you can tell they bought it on the way to the bar. Go.. who's playing? Greece.. oh, yeah, I love Greece!
93) Dubya
92) People who wear jerseys to work. Guy, I know you love the leafs, but they play every second day. I'm pretty sure Domi's old jersey smells better than your fat computer programming ass does.
91) The Lakers and the Yankees. Nothing makes me happier them seeing you guys lose. You can buy a lot, but you can't buy Ack's respect.

Stayed tuned for Part 2

The other day I played The D.O.C.'s album No One Can Do It Better from start to finish for the first time in a long time. I'd forgotten what a great album this is. It's basically only 11 songs and 2 skits, but each song is a classic. This is from the halcyon days of Ruthless Records, where Eazy and the boys could do no wrong. The old joke about "they could put out anything and people would buy it" applies here. Ruthless put out the white gangsta rap chick Terrie B and a hip hop flute album by Jimmy Z and I know people that bought those albums. No, it wasn't me in this case.

NWA and Ruthless are the godfathers of Gangsta, but there's not much gangsta here. It's simply The D.O.C. going for his in his mixture of Texas drawl, Cali slang, and a hint of Reggae styles. You have Dr. Dre on production and it features guest spots from Dre, Ice Cube, MC Ren, and Michel'le. Even the skits work, featuring Cube and Eazy playing old men while Michel'le sings some "baby making music". It's Funky Enough, Lend Me An Ear, Let The Bass Go, D.O.C. & The Doctor, No One Can Do It Better, The Formula, Grand Finale. Seriously, if these songs don't get you hyped you need to check your pulse. There's even the obligatory guitar rip-rock jam, Beautiful But Deadly, that was common at the time (Check under Bitch, Sophisticated by PE for another example).

I know the "golden age of hip hop" is almost a cliche by now, but listening to albums like this make you realize why they started using the term. For me, this is a classic album. If you know this album, hopefully I've brought back some fond memories. If you've never heard this, do yourself a favour and check it out. I'll lend you my tape as long as you don't let Ack dub it.

Prime Minister of Canada that is. I doubt he could beat Prime Minister Pete Nice (3rd Bass is gold friends) in an English election right now. It seems I’ve had nothing but sports posts for the last few days, but I had to mention the France-England game. That was one of the most amazing football games I’ve ever seen. Scratch that, it’s perhaps one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in sports. The fact that I’m rooting for France doesn’t even factor in my saying that, I’d think the same had England done it to France. That game was dead and gone; the announcers, the fans, and even the French players thought they were going to start another huge tourney with a 1-0 loss. It wouldn’t have been as big an upset as their 1-0 loss to Senegal, but it would’ve been bad.

But Icebergs Zidane stepped up and almost single-handedly saved France from defeat. His free kick was the really big strike. They were down a goal with no time left and needed a miracle to save the point (and deny the Brits their 2) when Zizou hit that ball about as well as anyone could to ripple the mesh behind a hapless David James. That leveled them and would’ve been a fantastic finish if the game had ended right there. The English got into scramble mode on the re-start though and gifted Henry a breakaway when Gerrard tried a backpass not realizing the Arsenal goal machine was cherry-picking like Lemieux (hockey reference, this is a Canadian blog after all) in the English backfield. Was there any doubt Zidane was going to convert that penalty? I didn’t have any, I knew they were going to win.

That’s the kind of performance you expect from someone who’s routinely called the best player in the world. I have no problem with Beckham, but we saw the difference here between him and a truly world class player like Zidane. If Beckham had converted his penalty, that game would’ve been over. When double Z got his chance he made no mistake. Beckham has had more hype than Jordan the last couple years, but after this game I think people are going to know the power of Zizou.

Go France.

As I'm sure many of our loyal readers know, our good friend Ack has been working on publishing his first novel, Cupid Only Misses Sometimes. Well the time has come, Ack has gone the DIY route and gotten it published. So I thought it would only be right to give him a plug for it here on herohill. So please click here to buy yourself a copy.

If you know how funny Ack is there's no doubt you'll enjoy this book. But knowing the Ack's comedy stylings certainly isn't a pre-requisite for reading it. I've read it and can safely say anyone who reads it will enjoy it. And that's no faint praise either. Despite my current computer nerd employment, I have an english degree from Canadian University football powerhouse SMU, so clearly I know what I'm talking about.

But seriously, if you're looking for some good summer reading, order your copy of Cupid Only Misses Sometimes today.

I walked into the Horseshoe tavern last night, and was shocked. Shocked by the emptiness of the room. It was about 15 minutes before Maritime took the stage, and there were about 20 people in the bar. Maritime is the new supergroup formed by Davey and Dan from the Promise Ring, and Dismemberment Plan's super bassist Eric Axelson.

The opening band (Snailhouse, who later joined to add some depth to the Maritime show) stuggled to play through chatter, cellphones and a general lack of interest. As they finished, remarkably, people left. That's right, of the 20 people, some came just to see Snailhouse. As I struggled to pick up the pieces after my head exploded, I watched as Maritime took the stage with less people present then there probably was at sound check.

Obviously, this must have been disheartening, as they had been playing to crowds of over 100 people in the US. That didn't stop them from rocking. They performed a tight set that included songs from the new album, Glass Floor (Sleep Around, Someone Has To Die, Human Beings, Adios to name a few). I remember seeing Promise Ring on the Wood/Water tour and the energy for that show didn't come anywhere close to the energy that Davey and Dan gave for this show. Davey made jokes about the lack of fans, and expressed shock that anyone knew they names of any songs they were going to play.

The band gained a lot of respect (at least from me) for not simply mailing it in as so many bands do even for bigger crowds. After the show, Davey seemed genuinely happy to have anyone there for the show, as he told me, "Hey, we have to start somewhere". Coming from a man who has spent years building a fan base, and might have expected to have those fans show up, it was a statement that makes me hope that fans soon release this is a band very worth seeing.

I was in Chicago this past weekend, and while there I got to check out a Cubs game from the centerfield bleachers at Wrigley field. The Cubs beat the Pirates 4-1 and it's been quite some time since I've felt that kind of atmosphere at a baseball game. Seeing Wrigley also made me realize just how empty and airplane hanger-ish the Skydome feels. It might have been great in the early 90's when the roof was still unique and the Jays were winning like crazy and filling the place with 50,000+. But that's not the case anymore and it's too bad.

But back to the atmosphere at Wrigley. At one point in the game, our section started a "Left Field Sucks" chant which almost everyone joined in on. I say almost everyone because my man you see on the right here was walking up the aisle and blew the collective minds of the guys behind me. They noticed his silver vest, lack of shirt underneath it and immediately christened him Robot Man. One of them proceeded to serenade Mr. Silver Vest with "Robot Man Sucks" during his entire walk up the aisle. Not the cleverest of chants ever heard at a baseball game, but it was enough to make me laugh.

So here's to you Robot Man and your silver vest, you made my trip to Wrigley that much more enjoyable.

I looked around the venue last night, and saw some interesting sites. I saw a man wearing a denim shirt, tucked into his shorts, with black socks and sandals. No I wasn't at the beach with my dad, I was at the Decemberists show at Lee's palace. It was truly a night for artistic, unco-ordinatated dorks to revel in the fact they could be perceived as cool.

The opening act, The Long Winters played a strong set (including car parts, shapes and an obscure John Vanderslice cover that blew my mind). Unfortunately, they forgot to cut the lead singer's mic between songs. At points, his banter actually made even his band mates want to leave.

Up next was the Decemberists. As we all waited for them to take the stage, the Russian anthem crackled through the speakers. The lady beside me glanced around and bluntly declared, "there are a lot of f*&king nerds here". Truer words had never been said. I looked to see my left and saw a man wearing skin tight pants, with a kickass mullet. To my right, was a man in a full blazer and an ascot.

As they set up the stage, I saw more instruments than in most marching bands. A gong, slide guitar, accordian, chimes, stand-up bass... yes they had and played it all. That being said, they put on a great show. Playing songs from each of their albums, they ripped through their set, that included a duel between the accordian player and Mr. Meloy on his acoustic. He awkwardly played through the set, smiling the whole time. It seemed fitting that he joked about stage diving, and as he turned to go back to the mic, he stumbled and kicked over his beer.

Suddenly, the mood changed. Colin reached for his electric guitar. Only one thing could follow. They were about to launch into their 15 minute rock opera based on the classic poem "The Tain". The nerds had reached Nirvana. As they blasted through the song, the guitar strap broke and Colin's guitar and his guitar crashed to the ground. It seemed fitting to see him struggle through his performance, laughing and smiling. One would think that the little hiccups took away from the show, when in fact, they helped make it great. In a time where we have Slash talking about how great Toronto "pussy" is and rockstars play shows without cracking a smile or caring about the music they play, it was refreshing to see a band fumble through a set, full of smiles and giving the show the crowd wanted to see.

As Colin came out for his encore, he apologized and told the crowd that taking requests would be the only way he could make up for all his mistakes. As the rest of the band filtered back on to accompany him, I can honestly say I have never been to a show where a plump man with flowers tattoed on his forearm walked through the crowd, playing a marching drum while wearing a Castro style beard. Couple that with the fact they followed that with a Smiths cover .

As the fans stumbled home, I can just imagine the pure delight in the fans heat as they wrote: "Dear Diary, the Decemberists are amazing".

The Raptors fired their GM Glen Grunwald on April 1st, and since that time they’ve done a first class job in fumbling the search for his replacement. As season ticket holders, Herohill is concerned that the Raptors are entering some dangerous territory right about now (well Ack the huge Celtics fan might not care at all, but I do). They’re coming off of back-to-back shite seasons, and they’re starting the most important time of the off-season without a GM or a coach. They’ve got Jack Mcloskey acting as GM and face of the team right now. This dude is like 75 and hardly ever in Toronto. He shows up the other day and starts answering questions, telling reporters that Dr. J is “not in the mix” for the GM position, while other sources are saying that he still might get a management position. Seriously, what is going on here? There are 30 teams in the NBA now, therefore there are only 30 GM jobs available. You would think that these jobs would be highly coveted by NBA types, even if they had to come all the way up here to Canada. HIRE SOMEONE.

In light of this situation, I’ve decided to advertise my GM skills by conducting the first ever Herohill NBA Mock draft. So without further ado, here it is:

1. Orlando, Emeka Okafor 6-10 PF

2. L.A. Clippers, Dwight Howard 6-10 PF

3. Chicago, Ok, I’m bored of this already

4. Charlotte, Rex Chapman 6-4 SG

5. Washington, Like it matters

6. Atlanta, Another French guy named Boris

7. Phoenix, Richard Dumas 6-7 SF

8. Toronto, A point guard that can pass and make jump shots for gods sake (Devin Harris, Ben Gordon, Jameer Nelson, Shaun Livingston – they’d all do)

9. Philadelphia, World B. Free 6-1 SG

10. Cleveland, Someone willing to carry Lebron’s luggage

11. Golden State, Some Euro quif

12. Seattle, Ditto

13. Portland, Does Sabonis have a Euro quif son they can draft?

14. Utah, Going out on a limb: a white guy

15. Boston, Anyone that will enrage Ack

16. Utah (from NY), Perhaps an off-white guy from Argentina or somewhere

17. Atlanta (from Mil), Spud Webb probably looks young enough to draft again

18. New Orleans, For gods sake a CB, ooops, wrong sport

19. Miami, Someone from Greece, make Mario’s dream come true

20. Denver, Someone with ‘Melo’ in their name

21. Utah (from Hou), I don’t care

22. New Jersey, A Red Head, they need a team of Scalabrines

23. Portland (from Mem), Snoop

24. Boston (from Dal), Someone from Michigan

25. Boston (from Det), A euro with a crazy name I can work into funny jokes

26. Sacramento, Euro quif, no doubt

27. LA Lakers, One of the other Walton brothers

28. San Antonio, George Gervin 6-7 SF

29. Minnesota, Forfeited pick (ha HA)

30. Indiana, Dr. Buddy Rydell, to manage Artest’s anger

I came across a story today about yet another celebrity getting busted for soliciting the sex from a prostitute. Before I go into detail, seriously, this yutz said, I felt like Hugh Grant. Hoss, let's take a trip to Reality. You are some guy from and 80's British boy band. All that entitles you to is a cameo on any "British Idol" show, or a Celebrity big brother appearance. Comparing yourself to Hugh is a little over the top. That's like me saying, I smoked pot, so I feel like Snoop Dogg. Same sport, but a hole different ballpark. I'm sure when your track was rippin up the British air waves, you were doing alright with the ladies, but no matter what, Hugh probably doesn't drive around on a moped and ask for "a little suck".

Seriously, haven't celebs learned anything from Hugh Grant, George Michael, Eddie Murphy, or that loser doctor from Ed? Don't do your own dirty work. You will get busted. You are rich, you have more hangers-on than a hairy man's ass. Get someone else to do it for you. This seems like it should be pretty straight forward knowledge. Plus, let's be honest. There are enough people that would cut off an arm to get a sniff of a celebrities undergarments that you probably don't have to reduce yourself to paying for it. Jebus, I am sure that Pauly Shore can still get his, so anyone can.

So celebs, just a little from me to you insight. If you want to cops drugs, sex or an illegally pirated CD. Get one of your lackeys to do it. Break him off some loot, and rest easy, if he gets busted, you won't be embarrassed in the papers.

The more you know.....

Here it is people, the eagerly anticipated second installment of my series WTF Is Wrong With People. In case you missed the first installment, the premise is pretty simple: I whine about things people do that bother me, you agree wholeheartedly, and we share a nice little bonding moment. So let's get to it.

If you live or work in Toronto, chances are you've ridden the rocket. For those of you who aren't reppin' Hogtown like us, the Rocket is the nickname for the subway here. I ride the subway to work everyday and take it downtown very frequently. It's a very simple subway line and most of the time it's quite efficient, so my beef isn't with the line itself. It involves my fellow subway passengers and their inability to grasp the idea of waiting for people to get off the train before they get on. Day after day I see the train doors open and the people on the platform pile on like it was the last train out of New York before it was flash flooded like in that Day After Tomorrow movie.

Now I could understand if we were in Bombay or Tokyo, places where trains are absolutely rammed with people. But very rarely are the subway trains here even close to being that crowded. There is no need for chuckleheads to tear through the door to try and get a seat. What's more, we're in the mecca of politeness that is Canada, and you'd think people would show a little more courtesy to their fellow commuters. But most have no time for courtesy. Time after time I arrive at my stop to see people waiting behind the glass doors like sprinters, waiting for the annoying bell the accompanies the opening doors to act as their starter pistol. They race by me and I sense that most feel I've caused them a great inconvenience by getting off at the precise moment they're trying to board the train.

So here's the deal people, if you're going to board a subway, don't be a dick. Let the people exiting the train get off before you stuff your seat-loving ass on there. Don't forget that you'll be in their shoes at some point too. Unless you're the drunk guy from the Labatt's commercial who rides the train all night, you'll be getting off shortly, and you don't want to be mashed into when you take your leave.