RECENT All-HEROHILL TEAMS
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2004-2005 NFL Post-Season Edition

2004-2005 NFL Pre-Season Edition

Sunday, February 13, 2005

2004-2005 NFL Post-Season Edition 

The 2004-2005 NFL season has come and gone, and Herohill watched a lot of it. None of our teams made won it all, although Ack's Steelers made a good run at it before being derailed by the Patriots. But to put a final stamp on this season, we present our Post season All-Herohill NFL team. Ack has selected the Offence, Naedoo the defence. Enjoy.

Offence

84 Freddie "FredEx" Mitchell
WR, Eagles

Freddie didn't put up the biggest numbers of his career. He was the 6th leading receiver on the pass happy Eagles, and yanked down an impressive 22 balls. That ranked him four catches ahead of the third down back on the Steelers (a team he blasted by saying they run all the time so Big Ben won't make mistakes). He was upset that TO came back, because he didn't have a chance to show his stuff in the superbowl. By my math, 22 catches and 2 TDs over 16 games is about on par with 1 catch in the SB. I think FredEx is like that bus from Speed. You know the one that can't go below 50 or it will explode. Well if less than ten people are talking about Freddie Mitchell, he might disappear into nothing. Therefore, he continues to talk like he is the man, just so we know he exists. Great year Freddie.

83 Arnaz Battle
WR, 49ers

Does this guy really play in the NFL? He started as the saviour of Notre Dame football. He was a big quaterback with a rocket arm and more moves than my grandpa after eating a prune smoothie. In non-ND football talk it meant he was fast and would not finish his career at ND as a QB. He wasn't that big, and his rocket arm was as accurate as Peter King's or Dave Feschuk's predictions. He got hurt all the time and tried the spin move like he was playing Madden. In fine Notre Dame tradition, he was moved from QB to another skill position. Now he is in the NFL catching passes, running reverses and returning kicks. I haven't really seen him play at all, but I get a good chuckle out of former ND players who scrub it up in the NFL. According to 49ers.com, he has a good grasp on the playbook. That is something right there.

39 Willie "Sweetness" Parker
RB, Steelers

Where to start with Sweetness. Well, maybe that his nickname may or not be Sweetness. I am not sure if we made it up, or if we heard someone else say it. Willie was undrafted, and surprisingly enough, made the squad. The third string back on the Steelers is usually reserved for a Samoan or a white hick from some PA Div. 3 school. Willie averaged 5.8 yards per carry, and in his only start, he shredded the playoff hungry Bills for a c-note. That being said, the reason he is on the team is that he is in the NFL and used as a third down back and he CAN'T CATCH. He has been drilled more times per downs played than anyone in the NFL (I made up that stat, but who cares). The best part is that as he juggles balls, he takes his eyes of defenders, and he gets knocked off the field and drops the ball. Give him the ball on a draw, and he will get you ten yards, but throw him a ball and it gets dropped faster than John Cusack in an 80's movies.

10 Kordell "Slash" Stewart
QB, Ravens

Remember when Slash came in the league? He could do it all. He turned the NFL into a punt, pass and run contest for atheletes. He would line up at WR, RB and QB. Now he lines up to get into clubs. The Steelers have a new slash (Randle El) and he backs up Kyle Boller. He isn't even the most productive QB with something on his face. Drew Brees moved in and snatched his title. He threw less passes than Randy Hymes (he plays receiver). He also threw as many passes as every other player on the Ravens - 0! He ran once for -1 yards. His only productive plays were as a punter. That's right, Slash is back. He punted 5 times for the Ravens. Punting! Too good. Slash, line one. It's the CFL. Damon Allen is schooling people at age 40. Just admit the NFL isn't for you, and come up North. You can be like Pinball. That thing on your face is the same size as him.

44 Mike "Karnivore" Karney
FB, Saints

This was a tough call. I wanted to go with Najeh, simply because he took a shit in a girl's hamper and got arrested for it, but he has become a legit player. We at herohill prefer to point out scrubinis that flew under the radar. They are more fun to talk about, and have better stories. The Karnivore is a loon. After one play where he opened a hole for Deuce to scamper through for a score, Deuce began to dance. While he was dancing, the Karnivore ran in and tackled him to help the celebration. Deuce almost did his namesake on the field. He looked terrified. I guess the best way to describe this guy is to mention that in college, to train, he used to push a beat up Nissan pickup truck around campus. Just picture that for a second, and ask yourself if you really want to meet this guy in a head to head collision.

85 Antonio Gates
TE, Chargers
This guy had a helluva year. I could care less about TEs, since no matter how many coordinators the Steelers go through, no one throws to any we have. I wanted to vote for one of the eleventy billion TEs the Jags had, but I have to give props to Gates for dethroning Tony Gonzalez as the TE of choice. Oh yeah, this guy hadn't played football since HS. He went from a power forward in college hoops to the NFL. Making the Rickey Dudley story look weak sauce. While he was there, he average 20.6 pts and 7.7 boards and was named honorable mention All-American. Somehow, Tony "I wear the biggest facemask in the world" Gonzalez and his scrubini stats for Cal decreed that not only was he a better TE, he was a better baller. Tony should have said he was a better "pretty boy who likes to surf, and still thinks it is cool to dunk the ball after his TDs". For sure he has that over Gates. So Gates, congrats on the probowl, and more importantly, for giving Herohill a chance to give Tohy his come uppance.

75 Scott Kooistra
G, Bengals
Actually have never even heard of this guy. But his name is Kooistra. Sadly, his best highlights in the team bio were replacing some guy who had sore knees. But he also had this gem - "On special teams Dec. 12 at New England, had a key block on Kyle Larson’s 11-yard fake field goal TD run". So good work Scott. Just in case you wanted more Lineman.. i don't care enough to track down funny stories about huge meatheads doing funny stuff.

10 Todd Sauerbrun
P, Panthers
Ha ha. Seriously. This fat ass punter was getting docked pay because he couldn't make weight. Is he trying to ride Sea Biscuit? Tood, you have to be under 110 to be a jockey, and under fatass levels to be a punter. Dude, try the Atkins, or be like Karl Hearn and try the Aitken's diet. How can you be a fat punter, or better yet, if you make punter wages, how can you afford to chuck away cash for being a fatass? Those Volvo station wagons don't buy themselves.

13 Mike Vanderjagt
K, Colts
He's Canadian. He was perfect one year. Who cares? The reason he is here is that he is like FredEx. He is a gd kicker, and he makes more comments than the dudes from Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Here's a comment - kick the ball and shut up. Stop frosting your tips, and getting earrings. No one cares what a kicker thinks or does. Jesus, Gary Anderson fishes three days a week in AB before meeting up with the Titans each week. The only good thing about this clown is he says he is an aspiring actor because he was Tony Danza's "kick double" in The Garbage Pickin’ Field Goal Kickin’ Philadelphia Phenomenon. A movie about a garbage man (Tony Danza) who gets hit on the head and becomes a field goal kicking sensation for the Philadelphia Eagles. GOLD. Vandercrap can pick a script. The only kicker we care about was Kathy Ireland in Necessary Roughness.

82 Antwoine Randle "Rebel" El
KR/WR/QB, Steelers
Does anyone else think the Rebel El is a great nickname for this dude. He plays in Pitt, land of the mullet and cock rock. Shirts with him dressed as Vital Idol would sell like hot cakes. Antwoine Randle El is the rich man's slash - rich because even as a flanker, he threw more passes, had more TDs, more rushes and of course more catches than Slash. Granted he didn't have more punts than Kordell. He is also the rich man's Slash because he actually plays. He is my choice for return man because he never calls a fair catch, and thinks it is cool to catch the ball over his head or by pinning it against his facemask. All are good strategies. He is as exciting as it gets for Steelers, and he smiles a lot. Plus he is like 5'10 and they make him run across the middle.

Defence

37 Steve Gleason
FS, Saints

Well yeah, I'm gonna have a Saint on here, you know that. Or maybe you don't, but tough either way. The way the Saints played last year, none of their defensive players really deserve to be on a post-season all-star team, but the All-Herohill team isn't filled with All-Stars. But it seems ok if I choose a Saints defensive player who didn't actually play on the defence. Gleason plays the special teams. Like a demon. He flies down on the kick coverage throwing his body at anyone near the ball carrier. He had a mohawk this year and ended up in the hospital wearing his gear twice this season. But here's the clincher: he punched a guy on the Panthers named Kemp Rasmussen in the ballsac after he felt Rasmussen had blocked him too vigorously. But the dude's name is Kemp Rasmussen, I think he deserved a cock-punching.

43 Troy Polamalu
SS, Steelers

Due to Ack's love for the Steelers, I watched a lot of Steelers football this season. So I thought I should have a Steeler on here. I also wanted to have some non-scrubs on my defensive squad. Troy kills these two birds. I enjoyed watching Troy this season. Last year he probably would have had trouble covering a pot of boiling water, but he was everywhere this year. His interception and runback touchdown against the Bengals where he flattened Carson Palmer was one of the best plays of the year. I haven't even mentioned his crazy hair yet. He has incredibly long flowing hair flowing out from his helmet as he tries to mash everyone. A Samoan safety, can't beat that.

31 Hank Poteat
CB, Patriots

POTEAT! I love Hank Poteat's last name, always have. That's pretty much why he's here. But there is this I guess: Hank didn't play at all during the regular season, and was in his hometown of Pittsburgh taking classes at Pitt when the Patriots called him in the playoffs. He then ended up coming back to Pittsburgh to face the Steelers, and we all know how that turned out. So he ended up coming out of the classroom at Pitt to beat the Steelers and win the Super Bowl. Not a bad few weeks work.

27 Terrell Buckley
CB Jets

Did you know Terrell Buckley, or T-Buck as I like to call him, is still in the NFL? I had no idea. I think if he finds a way to play for the Lions and the Chargers he'll have played for every NFL team.

59 Mike Labinjo
LB, Eagles

As always, I like sticking a Canadian on my All-Herohill teams when at all possible. So why not have a guy who went to the Super Bowl in his rookie season? Mike Labinjo was born and raised in Toronto and had hockey as his first love like so many Toronto boys do. But when he grew to be 6', 240 pounds and ran for 2500 yards as a RB in high school, he earned a scholarship to Michigan State. He made the Eagles as an undrafted rookie, and has now made the All-Herohill team. I bet he's glad he chose football now.

59 Cato June
LB, Colts

It's Cato time! I know the Colts defence wasn't anything special again this year, but Cato had a great year with 110 tackles and 2 picks. But there's a couple other reasons he made the list. Firstly, he's from Michigan, and former Wolverines are always going to have a good chance to make my All-Herhill teams. Second, his name is Cato June! Seriously, that is a killer name. If there was a dude named Clouseau playing linebacker you better believe I'd have him on the All-Herohill team too.

55 Joey Porter
LB, Steelers

I had only intended to have one Steeler on the All-Herohill team on principle, but Ack made a case for Joey that I couldn't ignore. Basically he said something about Porter punching William Green's face off in a pre-game rumble. How I forgot about that I don't know, but that's pretty much all the reason I need. Joey did have a decent year with 53 tackles, 7 sacks, a pick, and 11 passes defenced, but he's mainly here because he would usually do something incredibly entertaining at least once a game. There's the aforementioned brawl he started in Cleveland and the time he lined up again Ravens TE Todd Heap who had wrecked his ankle the play before and was standing on one foot when Joey pushed him to the ground hard off the snap. I didn't even mention the fact he got shot in the ass last year.

98 John Henderson
DT, Jaguars

Herohill's good friend Thomas is a Florida native and a big Jags fan. As such, I watched my fair share of Jags football this year. During one game they showed John Henderson's pre-game ritual, which is the reason he's here. He has some small white dude, a trainer or equipment guy or something, take a full windup and slap him across the face. Henderson is 6'7, 328 pounds. It sounded like Rick Flair giving Ricky Steamboat his biggest knife-edge chop. The dude looked like a little kid standing in front of him, so it took some courage to haul off and slap him. Whoever that dude is, he deserves to be on the All-Herohill team too.

97 Johnathan Sullivan
DT, Saints

Well 2 Steelers on the Defence pretty much means I have to have 2 Saints as well. And who better than Johnathan Sullivan? He had 11 tackles, half a sack, just great numbers. Well whatever, Sullivan actually bottomed out this season and is dangerously close to being a bustola. He was mainly known this year for going into the press box 2 minutes before a game to get a plate of food when he was inactive. The Saints didn't trade up to take you 6th overall to have you be inactive and eating in the press box. Get your shite together next year. C'maaan, I put you on the All-Herohill team, what more do you want?

92 Michael Strahan
DE, Giants

Michael Strahan makes his one and only appearance on the All-Herohill team. Seeing as how he's the all-time sack leader, it's only right that we honored him before he fell the f off. Injuries and suckiness are catching up to him after his 12th season, so it won't be long before he packs it in. Here's to you Mike, it's great Farve let you set that record.

91 R-Kal Truluck
DE, Packers

I hate to pick another dude based on name, but check out R-Kal! Not even sure how R-Kal can be a name, but I'm on board. This dude's name blows my mind even more than Antwaan Randle El. He backs up Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, so I think they've got the best 1-2 name punch at any one position in the league.

2004-2005 NFL Pre-Season Edition 

Herohill loves the nfl football, so we thought we'd put together our All-Herohill NFL pre-season team. Ack is doing the defence and Shane the offence. Keep in mind this is the all herohill team, don't expect to see Peyton Manning and Brian Urlacher here.

Offence:

17 Rodney Peete
QB, Panthers

You can never have too much experience at QB. That's why I went with Rodney Peete, who's been in the league since 1989. But that's not the only reason. Not only does he backup former Saint Jake Delhomme in Carolina, but he once played on the Eagles with Randall Cunningham, my favorite QB of all time. Plus he married Vanessa from hanging with Mr. Cooper. That was worth mentioning at one point in time.

38 Dahrran Diedrick
RB, Packers

I wanted to get a Canadian on the squad and Dahrran's reppin' Scarberia, so that's why he made the squad. Well that and the fact he spells his name Dahrran. Dahrran was the first Canadian to be a scholarship recruit ay Nebraska.

44 Najeh Davenport
FB, Packers

I've ended up with an all Green Bay backfield by selecting najeh davenport at FB. But his blocking ability isn't really why I chose him. In 2002 najeh was arrested for breaking into a woman's dorm room going into her closet and taking a shit in her laundry basket. Seriously, best arrested athlete story going.

84 T.J. Houshmandzadeh
WR, Bengals

This dude just has a cool name, that's the bottom line here. T.J. Houshmandzadeh, look at how long and un-football sounding it is. Sounds like an Iranian soccer player.

85 Marc Boerigter
WR, Chiefs

Here's my token white reciever/ex-CFL player/funny bio picture. Look at the picture, it's gold. I know the messy hair look is still somewhat in, but this guy takes it to a whole 'nother level.

84 Michael Lewis
WR/KR Saints

I had to have at least one Saint on here, and it might as well be the Beerman. For those not famliar with the Beerman's story, Michael Lewis went from driving a Bud beer truck to playing in the NFL for his hometwon Saints. He played no college ball, but had always been lightning fast, so he thought he'd give footbal a go. He played in the arena league and NFL Europe before making the Saints at 29 and setting an NFL record for kick-return yardage in 2002. Gotta love the beerman.

88 Itula Mili
TE, Seahawks

Remember when that Alfred Pupunu dude on the Chargers would pretend to slice open the football and drink it like it was a coconut after he scored? That was cool. This guy should do that.

64 Luke Butkus
G, Texans

Luke is the nephew of hall of fame linebacker and former star of Hang Time, Dick Butkus. That's good enough for herohill.

78 Aaron Gibson
T, Bears

This guy has played at 400 pounds. Think about that, it's around 80 pounds more than two of me combined would weigh.

64 Phil Bogle
T, Chargers
He's the king of bogle, there is none higher. A beastie's reference I thought Ack would enjoy. Great name though.

Defence:

99 Igor Olshansky
DE, Chargers

This guy is the king. Wears 99 like the Russian Great One, bench presses like 10 million pounds. He is like Drago in Rocky IV. The reason he is here.. his grandfather was in WW2, and got wounded 11 times. How the f does that happen.

94 David Upchurch
DT, Steelers

Needed a Steeler in here, and he is the one. His last name is Upchurch. To quote Andre Reed.. never even heard of that name. My man was a TE in HS, and is now a 300 pound fattie. That is an intense freshman 15.

98 Travis Hall
DT, Falcons

Herohill gives respect to any one who has to hunt for food (moose mostly) and has to trek through knee deep snow for fuel. Seriously, that is nutty. I don't even like wlaking to the fridge for a beer when the game is on. Plus, this dude made the allprodad team. He is a good guy.

50 Rocky Boiman
LB, Titans

Red-head whose dream was to play football for the Irish. He loves to drum and sites Neil Pert and Lars as his favorite drummers. Anyone need a sterotype... Rocky has a few extras he can give away.

59 Dat Nguyen
LB, Cowboys

His name is Dat. He is a loon, and he tackles everything that moves.

57 Dwayne Rudd
LB, Raiders

Take a look at his pic. if God gave me that cranium, I would never take my helmet off, even after the games were over, let alone on the field to cost my team the game. ET phoned. He wants his head back.

34 Ray Buchanan
FS, Raiders

Seriously, Ray Ray. You need to drop the Deion routine. You are crap. You haven't made a play in 4 years. I hired Columbo to find all the steps you have lost. Maybe you can go on the next Amazing Race with your wife. She is more of a celeb than you now.

24 Ike Taylor
CB, Steelers

A. His name is ike.
B. He said in an interview he first played football in church shoes, since he couldn't afford cleats.
A plus B equals kickass.

4 Mackenzie Hoambrecker
K, Chargers

Seriously this is a name from a prep is some 80's movie, it has to be. This cat was also an all pro swimmer. I think he showed up at the Charger camp thinking it was the polo team.

8 Josh Miller
P, Steel...crap...Patriots

My favorite player. Cowher take your huge head and chin out of your huge ass and get him back to the Steeltown.

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  • February 2005
All Herohill Home

We love sports here at Herohill. Because of that, we thought we needed a way to pay tribute to our favorite players and teams in the world of sports. So we created the All-Herohill Team blog. Enjoy Herohill's salute to the best, worst, and wacky sports has to offer.

Have some ideas for an All-Herohill Team? Email us.

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